Real Moms Share What Works When Setting Boundaries With Lolos and Lolas

Lolos and lolas usually want the same thing parents do: what’s best for their apo. Their help often comes from love and experience, but it can sometimes cross into advice, reminders, or decisions that parents did not ask for. For many families, this is where setting boundaries starts to feel necessary, even when everyone means well.

Grace E. and Mia S., friends since their college days, have requested that ParenTeam keep their real names private. They both admit that talking about setting boundaries with their parents and in-laws might create tension in their homes, regardless of how they approach the topic.

"Ayaw ko lang na may masabi sila," says Mia, who lives with her husband and two children in her parents' home. Her parents follow her and her husband's lead when it comes to childcare. But Mia sometimes struggles with her in-laws.

Mia says, "My in-laws are kind, but because minsan lang nila makita yung mga apo nila, they tend to spoil them."          

Meanwhile, Grace's problem is her mom, who has strong opinions about raising her only apo and expects those views to be heard. Grace shares that same strong personality, which has led to repeated clashes. It doesn't help that they live next door to each other.

"We go in and out of each other's houses regularly. May pros and cons...applicable sa akin yung choose your battles," Grace shares with a laugh.

How to Set Boundaries With Family

So how can you begin awkward conversations about house rules without making others feel defensive or hurt? Below, Grace, Mia, and members of the ParentTeam Moms and Dads Facebook group share the ways they've found effective when it comes to setting boundaries.

1. Decide who should do the talking.

Remember to express gratitude when the grandparents take over caregiving duties without being asked to do so.

One of the strongest themes from ParentTeam parents is this: boundaries are often better received when they come from the grandparents' own child.

Mia admits that this approach helped her feel less anxious about being misunderstood. "Mas madali kapag si husband ang nag-e-explain sa parents niya. Mas naiintindihan nila."

Several ParentTeam Facebook members like Mommy Louise, 33, a first-time mom whose son is 6 months old, echoed the same sentiment. "Talk to your husband and team up with him. Siya dapat ang nagco-communicate sa parents niya. Pag galing sa 'yo, minsan mamasamain pa."

2. Be clear on which rules are non-negotiable.

Another thing many parents stress is knowing which rules truly matter to you. Grace learned this the hard way. Living close to her mom meant constant opinions. Over time, she realized that responding to everything only led to more tension. "In short, hindi lahat ng comment kailangan sagutin," Grace says.

Being clear on your non-negotiables helps you stay calm. When you already know which rules you will stand firm on, you are less likely to second-guess yourself or soften your message out of guilt.

You and other members of the family should also consistently follow the same rules, especially when the grandparents are around. The consistency prevents them from feeling that they're being singled out. It also reinforces that these rules are about the child and that boundaries are not negotiable.

Once you are clear on who should speak and which rules cannot be bent, the next step is to communicate those boundaries calmly and respectfully, without turning everyday moments into family conflicts.

3. Present a united front with your spouse.

Present your boundaries as shared decisions. Parents from ParentTeam repeatedly point out that grandparents respond differently when rules sound like family agreements rather than individual preferences.

Instead of saying, "Ayoko po sana," frame it as a parenting decision you both made. "I always remind my husband to say 'napag-usapan namin,'" Mia shares when she wants to send a clear message.

4. Be direct, calm, and respectful.

Grandchildren with grandparents at home benefit from having another source of comfort and security when their parents are not around.

Many parents shared that being straightforward works, as long as the tone stays calm. Avoid raising your voice or giving a long explanation, although Grace says, "Mahirap ang 'keep calm' kapag umiinit ulo mo."

What Grace has learned ("the hard way") is that her mother does not respond well when she sounds like she is lecturing. "Yung asawa ko nagsabi na ganun ako magsalita. Hindi ko alam, so kailangan maging conscious ka talaga sa pananalita mo."

If it's something that can wait or needs a serious discussion, Grace picks a moment when she and her mom are both in a good mood. "Pareho kaming nakikinig sa isa't isa. Pero hindi ko pinatatagal na hindi napaguusapan yung bawal."  

5. Try food as 'boundary training.'

Food is one of the most common sources of conflict between parents and grandparents with their granchildren. If you want them to follow your food rules, Mia advises repeating it consistently, "kahit pakiramdam mo sirang plaka ka."

"Hindi enough yung maging specific ka sa bawal o sa hindi. Call out mo talaga kapag nangyari ulit," Mia adds.

Mommy S, a 37-year-old mom of a toddler, shares on the ParentTeam Facebook group that when her dad gave her child chocolate, she spoke up immediately. "Pero hindi galit, normal tone lang. Goal ko is ayoko masaktan kalooban nila but nasabi ko rin kung ano ang preference ko as a parent."

6. Bring in an external authority when needed.

Another mom of the ParenTeam Facebook group, Gabby, 28, had this novel idea if boundaries continue to be ignored: "Ask a favor from the pediatrician to text or chat your in-laws!"

You can also share written advice from the doctor or mention that the rule came directly from the pediatrician. This way, you shift focus away from personal opinions and toward professional advice.

Hearing this tip, Mia and Grace said it was a great idea. But, Grace says, "Effective eto kay Mama kung sakit o pagkain yung pinaguusapan. Pero kung hindi health-related, siguro hanap ka ng tao na yung opinions trusted ng parents or in-laws mo."

7. Get your husband to lead difficult conversations.

Speaking of people your parents or in-laws trust, it is often better for your husband to take the lead if you already sense tension.

A few members of the ParenTeam Facebook group shared that when the daughter-in-law sets boundaries, they are sometimes dismissed or taken personally. When they come from the son, they are more likely to be accepted.

Aside from her husband, Mia asks her sister-in-law, who is a good friend, to intervene. "I only ask her kapag tipong hindi effective si husband, haha. She also lives with my parents-in-law, so kapag wala na kami, doon nya kinakausap."

Remember What You Are Protecting

If grandparents don't respect the rules after you've clearly talked to them about it, it might be best to limit how much time they spend with the kids. But make this a last resort for setting boundaries as much as possible.

Mia says, "Give yourself space pero make sure nandun yung apo sa birthday ng lolo at lola nila. Masakit sa kanila kapag hindi mo sila dinalaw sa mga ganung special occasions."

Always remember that setting boundaries is not about rejecting help or wisdom from your parents or in-laws. It reminds them that you are the parent, but you welcome their support. At the end of the day, the family has one goal—keep your child safe and healthy with relationships intact.