How to Use the 5 Kinds of Love Language to Connect with Your Toddler
One of your children wants to cling to you all day, while your toddler pulls away the moment you try to cuddle. How do you connect with both without seeming like you favor one child over the other? You need to get to know the five kinds of love language your children respond to.
The Love Language Framework
The idea of love language comes from marriage counselor Gary Chapman, Ph.D. It refers to how people show and feel love in different ways, depending on their personalities.
Dr. Chapman theorized that if you understand what these love languages are for yourself and your loved ones, you can figure out causes of conflicts and strengthen your relationships.
The love language framework doesn't just apply to adult relationships but is just as helpful when raising children. So, what are the five kinds of love language in the context of parenting?
1. Words of affirmation
According to Dr. Chapman, words of affirmation include praise and encouragement. Even when your toddler cannot reply clearly, your words help them feel seen, secure, and loved.
This love language can mean:
- Naming what your toddler is doing well
- Using a gentle, steady voice during correction
- Talking through routines like eating or getting dressed
SPD, a Singapore-based early childhood organization, recommends being specific when you praise. Say "You did a good job by putting your toys away" instead of "You are a good boy."
2. Acts of service
Dr. Chapman describes acts of service as doing things for the child, like serving meals, cleaning up after them, and dressing them. It also involves teaching them how to do things for themselves.
Acts of service can include:
- Helping first and then guiding your child to try
- Breaking tasks into small steps
- Staying nearby even when encouraging your toddler to do things on their own
Although it might take longer to show your toddler how to tie their shoes, for example, than to do it yourself, this experience is not only vital for their development but also expresses your love and builds trust.
3. Quality time
Quality time, as Dr. Chapman defines it, means giving your undivided attention. For toddlers, quality time usually looks like:
- Setting aside short periods of focused play
- Letting your child lead the activity
- Putting away your phone when you're with your toddler
A few minutes of complete attention often matter more than a long day spent half-present for this love language.
4. Receiving gifts
Dr. Chapman explains that gifts are a universal way to express love, not because of value, but because they show thoughtfulness. For toddlers, gifts are often tied to comfort and memory.
You're saying your child is loved when you:
- Pick a pretty flower or leaf for your toddler during a walk.
- Bake a treat you know your child will like.
- Accept the gifts your child gives you.
Demonstrating this love language is about the thought and intention behind your actions.
5. Physical touch
Dr. Chapman highlights physical touch as one of the earliest ways children experience love. Long before your toddler understands words, they feel love through hugs, holding, and closeness.
Just sitting with your toddler is an excellent way to express love. You're probably doing the following already:
- Give your child hugs and kisses
- Holding hands during walks
- Lying beside them on the bed or sitting them on your lap during storytime
However, as children get older, they may become embarrassed by outward displays of affection such as hugs and kisses from their parents. In this case, you can give them a high-five or a pat on the back instead.
How to Tell What Makes Your Child Feel Most Loved
So, how can you tell which kind of love language your child will respond to most? In an interview with the Institute of Psychology, Dr. Chapman shares that most parents can begin to see a child's primary love language by around age 4 through how they respond, what they ask for, and even what they complain about.
Below are some ways to identify your child's primary love language.
1. Try to speak all five love languages.
Dr. Chapman advises parents to speak all love language types to younger children. At this stage, you are not limiting your toddler to one form of love. You are helping them learn how love can be given and received in many ways.
2. Watch how your child naturally responds to you.
One of the easiest ways to spot your child's love language is to watch what they do when they feel safe, happy, or excited to see you. Some children run straight into your arms and hold on tight. Others stay a little farther away but want to show you a toy, a drawing, or something they complain about.
3. Notice what your child repeatedly asks from you.
Listen to the requests that keep coming up. One child may constantly ask you to play, read, or sit beside them. Another may ask for help tying their shoes, building something, or finishing a task together. These requests often reflect how your child experiences care and support.
4. Listen closely to complaints.
Complaints can feel tiring, but Dr. Chapman emphasizes that they often contain valuable information. When a child says things like "You never play with me anymore" or "You're always busy," they may be pointing to a love language that feels missing.
5. Try short 'experiments' and watch the response
If you are unsure, Dr. Chapman suggests simple testing. For a few days, focus on one kind of love language, such as physical touch or quality time. Then, take a step back, try another, and assess whether it engaged your child.
For older toddlers and young children, choices can reveal preferences. You might have free time and offer two options, such as playing together or going to the store for something they want.
Learning Love Languages One Day at a Time
When you hit your child's primary love language, Dr. Chapman says you can see a behavioral change, such as them becoming calmer or more cooperative.
Learning the kinds of love language in toddlers helps you connect before your child can fully explain what they need. When you meet them where they are, you build trust that supports emotional development in the years ahead.
What kinds of love language do you have at home? Share your insights on the ParenTeam Moms and Dads Facebook group!
