Still Spanking Your Child? 4 Alternatives to Corporal Punishment

Every parent knows this moment: your child won’t stop screaming, you’re exhausted, and your hand moves before you think. Corporal punishment like spanking can sometimes feel like the only way to get through a toddler tantrum. If that’s you, you’re not alone, and you do have other options. Licensed psychologist Ariana Denise Dee, MA, RPsy, shares four alternatives that actually work, along with the steps that make them stick. Plus, you’ll also hear insights from parents in the ParenTeam Moms and Dads Facebook group who’ve been in your shoes.

What Corporal Punishment Actually Covers

While you might think of corporal punishment as just spanking, the World Health Organization (WHO) defines it as purposely using any form of physical force to cause a child pain or discomfort, even if it’s mild. Globally, an estimated 1.2 billion children ages 0 to 18 experience some form of corporal punishment at home every year. These include:

• Spanking or hitting with a hand
• Hitting with an object, like a belt or a shoe
• Pinching or pulling hair
• Boxing their ears
• Shaking children

Did you know? Words can hurt just as much. The WHO notes that belittling, humiliating, or scaring a child often happens alongside physical punishment, and it can cause your child to feel unsafe just as deeply.

Why Experts Recommend Moving Away from Spanking

Spanking might stop the moment, but it doesn’t really teach your child what to do differently next time, and that’s the point Dee wants parents to understand. Here’s why:

It doesn’t improve behavior.

“Punishment isn’t effective for strengthening appropriate behavior,” Dee says. In fact, a 2021 review in The Lancet looked at 69 studies that followed children over time. It found that hitting didn’t lead to better behavior, predicted more behavior problems over time, and never once led to a positive outcome. Most of the studies were done in the US, but the WHO reports similar patterns across countries and cultures.

The American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP) found the same: spanking, yelling, and shaming work a little in the short term, but not at all in the long run. If what you want is a child who behaves better over time—and not just one who freezes out of fear right now—that’s the pattern to pay attention to.

You can lose your child’s trust.

Dee adds that corporal punishment affects more than behavior; it can wear down the trust between you and your child. Instead of feeling emotionally safe with you, she explains, a child can become fearful of you instead, and that fear can lead them to hide mistakes rather than come to you for help.

Mommy Mariz from the ParenTeam Facebook group felt this in her own upbringing, having experienced palo. “Ayoko lumaki siya na takot sa akin,” she says of her son, “Iba kasi yung takot siya kaya hindi na siya mag-e-express ng emotions.”

What troubles Dee most is that corporal punishment doesn’t always come with an explanation. In the heat of the moment, it’s easy to react first and skip explaining what went wrong. “In corporal punishment, you don’t explain why the behavior was bad,” Dee points out, and that explanation is what helps your child learn what to do differently next time.

Start Here: The Process Behind Effective Discipline

This 4-step process—regulate, connect, correct, and collaborate—helps you and your child work through conflict together.

When trying to discipline your child, Dee suggests starting with something more foundational: a 4-step process for how you and your child work through conflict together.

Regulate: give yourselves space first

If you or your child feels overwhelmed by your emotions, Dee suggests taking a break first. Tell your child you’re both not okay, and ask if you can each take a few minutes before you talk again. You can also practice taking deep breaths together to calm down, which Dee calls co-regulation. If your child wants to be alone instead, respect their decision and give them space.

Mommy Mariz waits it out with her son. “If I say ‘enough’ with my eyes, he knows I don't like what he’s doing…” she says. “Then when he is ready, I will ask him if done na siya, if he wants a hug, [and] if he wants to talk about what upset him.”

A common mistake, Dee finds, is trying to correct or solve the problem right away, before checking whether you and your child are calm enough to listen to one another. She calls that state being dysregulated, meaning too overwhelmed to process your emotions and think clearly. When both of you are dysregulated, neither one can really listen.

Caroline, another ParenTeam mom of two (ages 8 and 3), puts it this way: “Children are clueless of anything. They respond based on what they feel. Ang take ko, tayong adults ang need mag manage ng feelings natin. Kung tayo yung sasabog, hindi dapat sa kanila.”

Connect: try to understand before you judge

Once you’re both calm, ask your child what happened. Dee points out that parents sometimes assume their child is disrespecting them, without trying to understand them first. For example, your child drew on the wall with crayons. They might tell you it was because it looked fun to see all the colors there. “Children need to feel and see that their parents are trying to understand them first,” she says.

You can also share your own feelings calmly. Dee added that if your child says something hurtful out of anger, you can tell them it hurt your feelings. This shows your child they can express anger with words instead of insults or hitting.

Correct: remind them of the rule and the reason

When your child feels understood, restate the rule and explain why it exists. Going back to the wall-coloring situation, you’d remind your child that crayons belong on paper, since a drawn-on wall takes a while to clean. The same goes for rules about safety. If your child needs to wear a helmet before riding a bike, tell them why: it’s so they don’t get hurt if they fall.

Collaborate: solve it together

Collaboration means working out the solution with your child instead of just handing down a decision. So if your child enjoyed seeing the colors on the wall, you could ask them to come up with ways that allow them to do what they enjoy without touching the wall. Could they tape paper on the wall and draw on that? If both of you agree, just restate the rule: no paper on the wall means no drawing on it. Kids who help set the rule, she says, are more motivated to follow it because they had a say in it.

What to Do Instead of Spanking: 4 Alternatives to Corporal Punishment

With the process in place, you can now try out a few alternatives to corporal punishment. These positive discipline techniques correct behavior without fear or force. None of these will work the same way for every child, and that’s okay. Some kids respond to time-outs, some to natural consequences, and some to a mix of both. Here’s how each one works, so you can see what fits your child best.

Timeouts for a calm reset

Timeouts can work, Dee confirms. All it takes is giving your child space, often in a calm corner at home, so they can settle down before you talk things through. If you’re wondering how long is enough, the AAP’s general guide is about one minute for every year of your child’s age. Once your child’s calm, that’s your cue to talk to them.

Natural consequences that come with a choice

Remember the wall-crayon example from earlier? Dee uses it to explain natural consequences: if your child chooses to color on the wall, they’re also choosing to clean it up and lose crayon privileges for a while. The same idea protects them in ways that matter even more. If your child chooses to ride a bike, they’re also choosing to wear a helmet, since a fall without one can genuinely hurt them.

One consequence teaches responsibility, the other protects their safety, but both come from the same idea: you set the choice, your child decides, and the outcome follows from what they picked.

Redirection for your littlest ones

Kids often misbehave simply because they’re bored or don’t know any better yet, the AAP points out, and that’s where redirection comes in: steering your child toward a different activity instead of just saying stop. Giving them something else to focus on solves the actual problem, instead of just reacting to the behavior.

This is especially useful for toddlers, who don’t have the words yet to tell you what they need. Nemours KidsHealth suggests calmly saying no, then either moving your child away from what’s off-limits, moving the item out of reach, or simply offering something else to do instead. It’s a quick way to head off a struggle before it starts

Praise for the behavior you want to see

Say your child owns up to a mistake instead of hiding it. Dee suggests thanking them for their honesty, then adding, “It must have been hard to tell me that you did this.” That’s praise done right, since it highlights what your child did well without approving the misbehavior itself, and it tells your child that honesty matters more to you than the mistake.

The AAP further adds that praise works best when it’s specific, so your child knows exactly what they did right, not just that you’re pleased. Instead of a general “good job”, try naming the behavior itself, like telling them you’re proud they told you the truth.

Tips to Make These Alternatives Actually Work

Here’s what helps the process and tools above actually stick, especially with toddlers and preschoolers, who are still building their vocabulary. (If you want to gauge what’s typical for your child’s age, this guide to child development stages can help.)

• Keep it short and simple. You don’t need a long explanation for rules or consequences, since kids are still building their vocabulary. Dee says one or two sentences are enough.
• Expect trial and error. Whether it’s toddler discipline or preschool discipline, Dee explains that rule-setting isn’t a one-time talk. You’ll keep adjusting as you go, and that’s typical.
• Teach short phrases for big feelings. Toddlers can learn to say “not ready” to signal they need space, even before they have the words for more.
• Plan ahead for tough situations. According to the AAP, telling your child the rule before you’re in the moment can head off a meltdown before it starts. For example, buying only one toy before you head to the store.

What to Do When You’ve Already Lost Your Patience

Alternatives to corporal punishment work best when you give yourself a time-out too, then repair the moment afterward.

Even with the best planning, there are some days you’ll snap anyway. But what happens next is important, since Dee says it’s not the hurt itself but how you repair it that shapes your relationship with your child.

Give yourself a timeout, too.

Dee says parents deserve their own calm corner too, not just kids. If you’re too upset to talk, you don’t have to correct your child right away, since trying to fix things while you’re this worked up usually makes it worse for both of you. The AAP also suggests making sure your child is somewhere safe, taking a few deep breaths or calling a friend, and coming back to the conversation once you feel steadier.

Mommy Ciello, mother to a 10-month-old, does this with her husband’s help. When she’s about to reach her limit, she hands her baby over and steps out for around 5 minutes to get some air. Once she’s back, she makes it a point to hug her child and explain, even at this young age, why she got frustrated.

Raising kids ages 7 and 10, mommy Ruffa does something similar on her own. "Better na lumabas na lang muna ng kwarto or either sa bahay para mag-subside ang emotions," she says, so she doesn’t end up saying something she’ll regret. Her kids have even learned to read the shift: when she goes quiet, they know she’s seriously upset.”

If stress keeps building up between these moments, these tips on how to reduce stress as a parent can help. Dee even encourages parents to consider their own therapy, saying it gives you space to process what you’re going through.

Repair the moment afterward.

“Hurt will happen in every relationship,” Dee says. What matters most isn’t avoiding the hurt; it’s reconciling afterwards. Once you’re calm, apologize to your child. The AAP adds two more steps: explain how you’ll handle it differently next time, and follow through on that promise. Kids learn to take accountability by watching you model it first, according to Dee.

Daddy Ralp (father of three) puts it simply: “Hindi pwedeng matapos lang sa punishment. Kailangan ko pa rin silang kausapin after, explain kung bakit ko ginawa yun and bakit mali yung ginawa nila.” For him, that also means telling his kids he loves them, giving them a hug, and sometimes apologizing himself for how he handled things. “Hindi rin naman ako perfect parent. I’m still learning what works best for our kids and for our family.”

Building a Home Where Positive Discipline Works

Dee is upfront that “you really will not get it perfectly on the first try, and that’s alright.” It takes time to get the hang of positive discipline, so start small. Time-outs, natural consequences, redirection, and praise won’t all fit every situation, so pick one step from the process and one tool from the list above, then see how your child responds.

Dee says that, over time, kids who feel that connection understand that your rules exist because you want them safe, not because you want to hurt them. They also learn that your love and support hold steady even after a big mistake. Choosing alternatives to corporal punishment, even on your hardest days, is how your child learns that lesson.

Mommy Mariz knows how hard that is firsthand. She’s not a perfect mom either, she still loses her temper sometimes. But as she puts it, “since moms tayo, meaning kahit ano kaya natin gawin.” Her advice: pray, and remember that moms deserve to pause, breathe, and enjoy life, too.

If you’re working on moving away from corporal punishment, you don’t have to figure it out on your own. Ask questions, share what’s working for you, and see what’s helped other parents in the ParenTeam Moms and Dads Facebook group.

About Ariana Denise Dee, MA, RPsy

Ariana Denise Dee, MA, RPsy, is a licensed psychologist. She earned her master’s degree in counseling psychology from Ateneo de Manila University. She currently works as a consultant psychologist for the Ateneo Bulatao Center of Psychological Services and Life Ready Psychological Services. She works with children, adolescents, and young adults, both neurotypical and neurodivergent, navigating relational and school concerns. Believing in the therapeutic power of play, she mainly conducts Child-Directed Play Therapy with her younger clients. As a firm believer that healing is a collective human endeavor, she also offers parenting sessions and parent coaching for the primary caregivers of her younger clients.

Disclaimer: This article is for general information only and isn't a substitute for personalized medical advice. Always check with your child's pediatrician about what's right for your child's behavior and development. The views and opinions expressed by the medical professional featured in this article are their own and don't necessarily reflect the views of ParenTeam.