How to Handle Family Conflict When You Don't Get Along with Your Mother-in-Law

Nightmare stories about mothers-in-law rival only the nasty reputations of evil stepmothers. Who hasn’t seen Gloria Diaz’s and Gina Pareño’s monster-in-law portrayals in Kasal, Kasali, Kasalo? When your husband’s former No. 1 woman and his current No. 1 woman don’t get along, family conflict is inevitable. However, just because you’re not the biggest fan of your mother-in-law doesn’t mean you can’t be civil—for your family’s sake.

Of course, you can choose to have a poor relationship with your biyenan, but that might not benefit anyone in the long term. According to a 2025 study in the International Journal of Neurolinguistics & Gestalt Psychology, a strained relationship with your mother-in-law could affect your overall satisfaction with your marriage.

So yes, most wives dream of a mother-in-law who’s supportive rather than meddlesome, the lola who listens to the mom and avoids saying yes when you already said no. But this isn’t often the case. A 2024 paper published in Sage Journals even described the connection between a man’s mother and his wife “as the tensest in-law relationship.” Still, your role is to try to ease (not escalate) the tension with these tips.

How to Avoid Family Conflict With Your Mother-in-Law

Avoiding family conflict means protecting your peace and ultimately, your family’s.

Just because you don’t get along with your mother-in-law does not mean you’re a bad wife. And you’re definitely not alone. The goal isn’t to force a close relationship overnight. It’s to protect your mental health and create a workable family setup, as well as a warm environment for your kids.

1. Choose your battles. Not every comment needs a response.

Living with a mother-in-law often means hearing unsolicited advice—about how you cook, how you discipline your child, or how things were done “noong panahon.” While it’s tempting to react to every comment, constantly responding can drain your energy and worsen pressure inside the home.

Learning to choose your battles doesn’t mean you’re giving up your voice. It means recognizing which issues truly affect your child’s well-being and your peace of mind—and which ones can be let go for the sake of harmony.

Here are examples of moments you can let pass: comments about household routines that don’t affect safety, comparisons between your parenting and hers, and opinions shared casually but not imposed. Should your mother-in-law raise any of these, muster a small smile and excuse yourself for your tasks.

Some comments are worth speaking about, however. Matters about your child’s health, nutrition, or medical care, discipline methods you’re uncomfortable with, and decisions that directly affect your mental health.

By reserving your energy for what truly matters, you protect both your boundaries and your emotional reserves.

2. Respond calmly, not emotionally.

Responding out of frustration is an easy knee-jerk reaction, especially when you feel judged in your own home. However, emotional reactions often shift the focus away from the real issue, turn the conversation into a power struggle, and worsen the brewing family conflict.

Just as in a workplace, calm, neutral responses help keep the situation from escalating while still asserting your role as a parent.

Take a deep breath and try phrases such as, “Salamat po sa concern, ganito po kasi ang advice ng pedia namin” or “Napag-usapan po namin ito mag-asawa.” These responses acknowledge her input without surrendering your authority. Plus, they reduce the chance of further issues.

3. Let your husband take the lead in difficult conversations.

Your husband plays a central role in this type of family conflict. He must be able to communicate boundaries directly to his mother and reinforce decisions you’ve made together. Try to discourage your husband from staying silent just to “keep the peace.” After all, a united front doesn’t just protect you. It also sets a healthy example for your children.

How Should Your Husband Act in Family Conflicts Between You and Your Mother-in-Law

Your husband isn’t just a mediator. He’s supposed to be your protector, mediator, voice of reason when things get intense, and number one supporter.

Family conflict becomes unbearable not because of differing opinions, but because of silence. If your husband steps back and lets tension play out between you and his mother, you will often end up absorbing the emotional weight of the entire household. This is where many living-with-the-in-laws situations quietly fall apart.

Your husband’s role is to lead, protect, and communicate, especially when emotions are no longer avoidable.

1. He must be the primary communicator.

In many households, especially here in the Philippines, messages are received very differently depending on who delivers them.

When concerns come from you, they can be misinterpreted as disrespect, attitude, or defiance, even when you’re being calm and reasonable. When the same message comes from her son, it’s more likely to be heard as concern rather than confrontation. Having him take the lead prevents misunderstandings, reduces hurt feelings, and—most importantly—keeps you from being unfairly labeled as “the problem” in the household.

2. He needs to back you up publicly and privately.

Unity between spouses is not optional, especially if you live with extended family. Even if your husband has doubts or disagreements, those conversations should happen in private, not in front of his mother, relatives, or your children.

Correcting you in front of others, staying silent when you’re being picked on, or making you the punchline of a joke might seem like nothing, but they quietly undermine your authority and position in the family. When your husband consistently supports decisions you’ve made together, avoids contradicting you in front of others, and treats you with visible respect, it sends a clear message: you (as in you and your husband) are a team.

3. He should reassure you emotionally.

Living in a home filled with unspoken tension is exhausting. Even when nothing is said out loud, your body and mind feel the stress. Your moments on non-reaction? They’re energy-consuming. This emotional labor often goes unseen.

Your husband doesn’t need to solve everything or fix every family conflict. What matters is that he checks in, listens without immediately offering solutions, and reassures you that you’re not alone in this situation.

4. Consider outside help when necessary.

Sometimes, despite your best efforts, the situation becomes emotionally unsafe. If the conflict leads to constant stress, anxiety or depression, emotional manipulation, or ongoing disrespect toward you or your children, it’s important to recognize that this is no longer just a “normal adjustment issue.”

At this point, seeking outside support is not a failure. Talking to a counselor can help you and your husband communicate better and set healthier boundaries. Seeking advice from trusted elders or mentors may offer perspective without taking sides. And in some cases, considering separate living arrangements—if possible—may be the healthiest option for everyone involved.

Protecting your mental health is not selfish. It is one of the most important ways to protect your family.

How to Build a Relationship With Your Mother-in-Law

Enjoying a friendly, if not loving relationship with your mother-in-law is terrific, but not required. Stay civil and respectful at all times.

First off, you don’t have to be buddy-buddy with your mother-in-law. Your bare minimum goal should be mutual respect and reduced conflict. What matters is creating a home environment where everyone can breathe.

Small, intentional, and consistent shifts can slowly change the tone of your relationship over time. Here are some ideas you might want to try to establish a better connection with your biyenan.

Acknowledge her role as a lola.

Filipino mothers-in-law usually act out of concern and habit, not malice. Your MIL was the primary decision-maker, caregiver, and emotional anchor of the household, so her new role as Lola might feel new for her.

Acknowledging her place  in your children’s lives can help lower defensiveness. Asking her to share stories about your husband when he was young, listening to her experiences as a mother, or letting her participate in low-stakes ways (like choosing clothes or snacks, rather than discipline or routines) allows her to feel included without crossing boundaries.

Find one neutral bonding point.

You don’t need to force heart-to-heart conversations. Pilit intimacy can sometimes make things worse. Instead, aim for neutral ground (at least at the start). Think of activities or topics that don’t trigger power struggles or value clashes. Perhaps you love the same K-dramas or share a passion for cooking. Try to create a routine together. This will create familiarity, which may manage your differences better.

Practice Courtesy, Even When You Disagree

Basic courtesy, particularly in shared spaces, can significantly reduce daily friction. Simple acknowledgments like “Salamat po sa tulong,” or “Buti na lang andiyan kayo,” signal respect without surrendering your autonomy. These small gestures can interrupt cycles of resentment and defensiveness, making future conversations less charged.

A healthier relationship doesn’t always entail becoming close. Sometimes it simply means reducing family conflict. If you can coexist with your mother-in-law respectfully, communicate with your husband openly, and maintain emotional safety for the family, then everyone wins.

If you need to rant about or discuss your experiences with in-law-related family conflict, drop by the ParenTeam Moms and Dads Facebook group to find a healthy space to share your parenting woes.